Wow... it's October! Where did this year go? Frankly, I'm ready to move this year out of the way get on with the next. It has been quite a year of awakening and death for me. Bear with me... this post is really about...the beauty of Life!
The first 3 months were pretty quiet... then my mom's health began to fail her. Bless her heart she went through months on end in and out of the hospital and rehabs and then finally... hospice. Looking back it is all a big blur... a fog of activity all centered around taking care of her needs and desires... ending with a quiet night in September when she no longer drew another breath. It's still so surreal... I will miss her laughter the most... she loved people and loved a good laugh!
My awakening, like decay, came in bits and pieces along the way. The need to grow up and handle Life in its strange ways. Lessons needing to be learned; the need to be more cooperative, be more sensitive to others, how to schedule my time when all I wanted was to sit and stare on no ones timeline but my own, how to talk with doctors and nurses more assertively...how to be proactive and remind them Mom was a human who deserved the best care, how to listen and take notes, and most of all how to Love unconditionally... and see the beauty in death and decay. I cannot say I was successful in my learning...but I was successful enough to know I needed to improve...
I know this all sounds sort of morbid... but talking about morbidity is necessary as it effects all of our lives in one way or another...at some point or another... it hits us like a brick we were not expecting....and there it is... in all its unsightly glory... staring us in the face. Now what?
Well, the day Mom moved from here to there... I walked into her room at hospice...in the dark of the night, only the glow of a lamp lit the silent room and there she was and yet... she was not. I knew in an instant... Mom's not here. She was continuing her journey in another place...a dimension I can only imagine...but now she knows fully of. What remained is only a physical representation of her... not a pleasing sight...yet the beauty of who I remember of Mom was right there in the death and decay. I wish I could have cried... as I have not yet done so. But as Life ebbs and flows, I know that in my own way... I let her go.
The very next day my sis had a heart attack and was rushed into emergency surgery for a blocked artery. "What in the world is happening???" ...was about all I could muster at this time. She had a few rough days in ICU and miraculously I was able to take her home 3.5 days later, and continues to improve daily...So Thankful! In the meantime... something miraculous was happening for me and it was not until a day or so ago that I really realized the miracle of it all.
You may be wondering why in the heck did I post a picture of my painted pumpkins at the top of this post... Well...another awakening... another lesson to be learned was waiting for me after Mom took that last breath. I had placed the remaining of last years painted pumpkins on Etsy late in August, just to move them out as creating anything had taken its rightful place behind me. They sat there for 3 weeks without even a blink of interest...then WHAM... the very day Mom left us... 3 of the 6 pumpkins sold! Then I started getting emails from interested parties for special orders and I had a choice... paint? or not? I mean... Mom just passed... and now Sis is in the hospital... so really? Do I take the time to jump in with both feet? Do I even have it in me to do so?
I made the choice and Jumped...anyway! Despite the grief, the lack of tears, the fears of failing, the need to be strong for my Sis, the feeling of guilt for loving the chance to create again and so on and so on... I Jumped Anyway! And I'm so happy I did!
The orders continued until I'm now at the point where I'm feeling the need to slow them down. I've never been in such a position... and all I can think is "WoW Mom... you didn't waste anytime after you left us!" I picture her whispering into everyones ears... "You need one of my daughters pumpkins!" LOL I know...stretching it... but I love the thought of it...as she was one heck of a saleswoman while here!
So you may be thinking my miracle was in the sale of those pumpkins... well that has been awesome, don't get me wrong... but the miracle was in the form of a recognition of the beauty of death and decay. You see... all those colors that make those pumpkins eye catching, attractive, heart warming and even delightful are representative in the death and decay of the pumpkin. That's what makes Fall...Fall! Its the beauty of how the light catches on the dying leaves... the flicker of yellow, the streaks of red, orange and purple...it only happens when the leaves...or in this case, the pumpkin reaches its maturity and begins to decay and die.
My lesson in this stage of this demanding year is not to remember the stress of the day to day... but to embrace the beauty of it all... and to recognize the Grace it took to get to this point and be Grateful for the presence of mind... body... and heart...to have been a part of it all!
In the words of my Mom during her last week with us... "I am so blessed! I am so blessed!"
I love you, Mom... Thank You!